Loss.

June 2012.

I was exhausted - more so than I have ever been, except for maybe my life pre-diabetes diagnosis.  A few other symptoms popped up and on July 12th I decided to take a pregnancy test. 

It seemed to me that it couldn't turn blue fast enough (I passed!) and I made an appointment to get a blood test (along with my whole blood work panel) the next day to verify the results.

Everything looked good across the board, even my HbA1c was okay (6.9).  Being that an HCG hormone level of 5mIU/ml is not pregnant, my 79,000mIU/ml gave a pretty good indicator that, yes, I was pregnant.  I got in for an ultrasound the week after, because we had no idea how far along I was.  I was choosing names and googling "creative ways to announce pregnancy".  A few days later, we got the results.

The ultrasound showed that though I was 8 weeks along, there was no heart activity. 

We were shocked and devastated.  We asked - anonymously - for prayer.  I couldn't face people with questions, let alone sympathy, while I was trying desperately to hold it together at work.

I began the search for an OB that we could trust.  Through tons of questions to close friends I found a doctor that we were comfortable with.  She treated us with kindness and sympathy.

Ultimately, we were hoping that God would give us the miracle of life - we even dared to speak it out loud.  The night before the second ultrasound, I looked at my husband and whispered the words, "I want life."

A second ultrasound, almost 2 weeks after the first one, confirmed the initial findings.

Our young one was to go straight to heaven.

On August 6th I had a D&C to remove the fetal tissue since things didn't happen naturally (I even still felt pregnant up until that day).

We were heartbroken.


 . . . . . . . . . . . . Fast forward 5 months.

Due to a prompting from intuition (read: nausea), I got my HCG levels tested. 7,800mIU/ml - indicated a WAY lower number than my previous pregnancy (the only one I could compare it to).  I got tested again the week after and my levels had doubled. A good sign.  My A1c was also 6.1 - woot CGM!

The hubby and I were hesitant to get excited until I was further along, but we were cautiously encouraged by the doubling number.

On Wednesday, I began having a few very mild cramps.

While I was at work on Thursday, the cramps increased and I began to lose some blood. I called my doctor and we did some blood work and they scheduled me for an ultrasound on Friday morning.  I knew something was wrong.

After a night of no sleep, pain, and other unpleasantries (to say the very least), early Friday morning, I experienced a complete miscarriage.

Heartbreak. again.

_________________________________________________________________________

The doctor assured me that this was not my fault, nor the fault of diabetes.  We will do what we can to figure out, treat, and prevent this from happening again (inasmuch as we can control).

Guilt is already associated with miscarriage by women who don't have diabetes.  I struggled with the fact that I had taken over-the-counter medicine to get rid of a stubborn cold.  But I was assured by my doctor that it wouldn't have been enough to cause the miscarriage.  Today I had someone tell me that maybe I would "wonder about that extra candy bar I had eaten since that may have caused my miscarriage".  Ugh.  Thank goodness I had already done enough research to know that one high blood sugar can't cause a miscarriage.  But it still stung.  And I had no energy to set them straight.

It's not my fault.  And just because we didn't get the miracle we wanted doesn't mean that God doesn't like us.

Sometimes people think that life with Jesus is easy.  No more struggles - all good, all the time.  But the truth is that life with Jesus can introduce more complications.

I know He has the power to heal and to breathe life where there is none.  He has the power to resurrect the dead. 

But sometimes, He doesn't.  And He doesn't tell you why.

But then He makes beautiful things out of dust.

I will say that though there were times of excruciating heartache, my experience in the hospital and time of recovery were truly God blessed.  I wasn't anxious, and it was SO peaceful (a hospital is RARELY described as peaceful).  Even though we were in the valley of death, the Lord was with us.

We have also been given the gift of empathy with others who have suffered a similar loss.  In fact, God provided a dear friend on the day we scheduled the D&C.  We decided to stop somewhere we rarely go - and she was there.  Knowing that she had miscarried too, God used her hug and her words in a huge way to carry our burden.

This has also brought my husband and I closer together and Jesus has enabled us not to take it for granted if He does choose to grant us a child.  We couldn't set our wedding date like everyone else until 6 months of paperwork were completed (more on that later) - and the joy was multiplied on our wedding day because it had not been an easy road. And I believe it will be the same with childbirth.

I don't pretend to know every answer, or be blissfully satisfied with every bump in our road, but Jesus

gives peace where there is chaos

hope where there is despair

and joy where there is sorrow.


He makes beauty out of dust.