Wednesday, December 17, 2014



For too long . . .

. . . Fear kept me from getting my hopes up.

. . . Fear kept me from thinking maybe this time would be okay.

. . . Fear kept me from hoping for the best.

. . . Fear kept my hands tied from journalling or blogging, because putting words in print feels so permanent and leaves me vulnerable.

. . . Fear stopped me from writing because too much time had past.

And now I sit here, days away from the most amazing boy's very first birthday, who got here by way of an incredible adventure, and I missed out on the real-time chronicling of every step of that nerve-wracking journey.

Fear stops now.

Our boy's name means bold; whole-hearted; one who has fearlessness in the face of overwhelming odds.  To teach my boy fearlessness I will not allow fear to rule my days.

He has already taught me so much about boldness, and I cannot ever see the world the same way that I did before I became his mom.

I am a Mom.

I will not be afraid. I have more important things to be.

Friday, September 6, 2013


When you can't remember where your dexcom is and after tons of searching pockets and purses and cars, you just give up. 

That moment 20 minutes later when you are engrossed in d-blog reading and you just about fill your shorts because your boobs buzz because of a low sugar alert. 

That happened to a *cough* friend *cough* of mine.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

4th Annual Diabetes Blog Week - We, The Undersigned

Recently various petitions have been circulating the Diabetes Online Community, so today let’s pretend to write our own. Tell us who you would write the petition to – a person, an organization, even an object (animate or inanimate) - get creative!! What are you trying to change and what have you experienced that makes you want this change?

We, the undersigned, petition carbs of all shapes and sizes to present themselves in an orderly fashion before each and every moment of consumption.

Please organize yourselves to be easily counted, in all your solid, liquid, and invisible forms.

A simple sign, announcement, or short musical number would suffice.

When you cloak yourself in secret family recipes that hide sweetened condensed milk into potato salad, when you blend sugar into usually carb-friendly deviled eggs, or create a candied taco salad, you literally get on my nerves, make my eyes hurt, and wear me out.

We have spent 10 years together and I have tried my best to understand you.  In turn, you have tried my patience.  If you could get to know me and my insulin needs - it would be ever-so-kind of you to give me a heads up of how complicated you really are. 

"Hey, just so ya know. . . I gotta extra cup of sugar in this here salad dressing - so you might as well just go for the pie instead."

"We talked it over, and this whole plate's got 60g of carb, but that squash has a pound of lard - so take 6 units now and stretch out another 4 units over the next four hours and you'll be good." 

I would also accept a note of "You'll regret this" or "You just got screwed" so that I can at least play catch-up with your wicked games.

I petition you, Carbohydrates to be forthcoming with your stats, honest with your fiber and transparent with your fat. 

If we can't work this out, I think we'll have to break up.

Monday, May 13, 2013

4th Annual Diabetes Blog Week - Share and Don't Share

Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see? 

Dear Team,

I must say I was pleasantly surprised the first time my A1c came back and it was on the high side (technically referred to as "non-compliant" in some circles).  I wasn't pleasantly surprised by the number, but by your reaction. Thank you for not berating me. As a perfectionist who is tainted with a hearty fear of failure, I am already a pro at "not feeling good enough".  Your question of "what do you think caused this?" did not get my defenses up, but allowed my honesty to peek through.

Thank you for all the times you have prayed with me when I have panicked at a possible complication or was drowning in burnout.  Your compassion has always spoken volumes to me.

I appreciate you too, nurses.  You have hugged me after news of a miscarriage, and hoped with me for the future.  Every one of you know that I HATE having my blood drawn, and so your conversations of holidays and favorite foods, of work and weather have been a calculated and effective distraction.

You have made going for a check-up, blood work, or follow-up appointment much more agreeable and enjoyable for a disease that can be so overwhelming and tedious.

Thank you.

P.S.  Right after I leave your office after my A1c is drawn, I go for a cheeseburger and fries and I will never tell you that.

4th Annual Diabetes Blog Week!

Here we go!

For one week, a ton of BWD (bloggers with Diabetes?!) join in to share their voice on a week's worth of topics.
What is Diabetes Blog Week?  For those of you who haven’t participated before, the idea of Diabetes Blog Week is that bloggers sign up to post about a set topic each day for a week.  This way, readers can jump around the D-Blog Community and get a plethora of different perspective on a single topic. What is Diabetes Blog Week? 

You'll get a variety of perspectives and opinions on topics like "What do you want your Doctors to Know" to "What is your dream diabetes device".

Hope you'll take a walk around the community to see what life is like with Diabetes!

Check out the other neighbors, who are also posting this week!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day

I love my Mom. 

When I was younger, I didn't always appreciate my Mom.  I was the center of my own universe.  Now that I am older, I am so thankful and grateful for all she did to show us that she loved us and to create great adults (if I do say so myself).

I cherish her support and love as a adult.  I need her friendship as a married woman.  And I hear her advice and guidance as a mom.

I also have an incredible Mother-in-Law.  She loves me immensely and has raised a wonderful son that I am privileged to share my life with. 

That being said . . . Mother's Day is bittersweet.

I had moments of dread as I looked toward Mother's Day.

In my most bitter moments, it seemed to me as the day we "Celebrate the women whose parts work".

With every celebration there is a person who is left out.  In this situation, people are celebrated for being able to bear children (whether they intended to, or not), and those who have not are not celebrated.

They are not berated or put down, just excluded from the party.

What about the woman who . . .
  • experiences years of infertility, with no cure.
  • (in her opinion) does not have a mother worth celebrating.
  • chooses not to become a mother.
  • never intended on getting pregnant, but now has a baby she doesn't want.
  • has lost a child.
I am in no way suggesting not celebrating anything or anyone, but to have a compassionate heart and think about those people who may not have had the same positive experience as you have.  Or to reach out to someone who has experienced the same loss.

Compassion from a friend is like a cozy blanket and a good movie on a dreary, rainy day.  The situation may not change, but the perspective does.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you. 
 From Amy, at The Messy Middle

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Death and Life

This weekend reminds me of God's great limitless power.
O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead
He's alive! He's alive!

                                                    "Christ is Risen", Matt Maher

I can say (because I fully believe and have seen) that God resurrects hopes and dreams that have been laid to rest.  And restores lifeless marriages and deadbeat lives.  He continuously breathes life where there was only death - changing lives now and forever.

Along with giving life that never has to face the pain of death (major!),  I don't want to forget that God has the power to literally resurrect bodies, flesh and bones.

On this day, I still believe that God will bring what is dead in my all-too-human body and give it life.